It is always important to keep things in perspective if you can. Laughter is a great healer and maintaining a sense of humour even in adversity is a mark of humanity. In this new section of the site we pay homage to the more comedic aspects of hearing voices and related experiences.
The top 15 funniest jokes from the Fringe 2016
“My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card. He’s a man after my own heart” – Masai Graham
“Why is it old people say “there’s no place like home”, yet when you put them in one…” – Stuart Mitchell
“I’ve been happily married for four years – out of a total of 10” – Mark Watson
“Apparently 1 in 3 Britons are conceived in an IKEA bed which is mad because those places are really well lit” – Mark Smith
“I went to a pub quiz in Liverpool, had a few drinks so wasn’t much use. Just for a laugh I wrote The Beatles or Steven Gerrard for every answer… came second” – Will Duggan
“Brexit is a terrible name, sounds like cereal you eat when you are constipated” – Tiff Stevenson
“I often confuse Americans and Canadians. By using long words” – Gary Delaney
“Why is Henry’s wife covered in tooth marks? Because he’s Tudor” – Adele Cliff
“Don’t you hate it when people assume you’re rich because you sound posh and went to private school and have loads of money?” – Annie McGrath
“Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy, I hear you ask” – Jordan Brookes
“Hillary Clinton has shown that any woman can be President, as long as your husband did it first” – Michelle Wolf
“I spotted a Marmite van on the motorway. It was heading yeastbound” – Roger Swift
“Back in the day, Instagram just meant a really efficient drug dealer” – Arthur Smith
“I’ll tell you what’s unnatural in the eyes of God. Contact lenses” – Zoe Lyons
“Elton John hates ordering Chinese food. Soya seems to be the hardest word” – Phil Nicol
The best gags and one-liners from comedy shows at the Edinburgh Fringe 2015:
1. “I did a gig in a fertility clinic. I got a standing ovulation.”
Tim Vine: Timtiminee Timtiminee Tim Tim to You
(Pleasance Courtyard, One)
2. “Dogs don’t love you. They’re just glad they don’t live in China.”
Romesh Ranganathan: Rom Wasn’t Built in a Day
(Pleasance Courtyard, Beneath)
3. “Miley Cyrus. You know when she was born? 1992. I’ve got condiments in my cupboard older than that.”
Lucy Beaumont: We Can Twerk It Out
(Pleasance Courtyard, That)
4. “I lost my virginity very late. When it finally happened, I wasn’t so much deflowered as deadheaded.”
Holly Walsh: Never Had It
(Assembly George Square Studios, Five)
5. “The past is another country. Property is cheaper there.”
John-Luke Roberts: Stnad-Up
(Voodoo Rooms, Free Fringe)
6. “I used to think an ocean of soda existed, but it was just a Fanta sea.”
Bec Hill in… Ellipses
(Gilded Balloon, Turret)
7. “There are very few people at the Fringe these days doing Roman-numeral jokes. I is one.”
Chris Turner: Pretty Fly
(Pleasance Courtyard, Bunker Two)
8. “Most of my life is spent avoiding conflict. I hardly ever visit Syria.”
Alex Horne: Monsieur Butterfly
(Pleasance Courtyard, Two)
9. “I’m not sexist – I’m not! That’s why I let my female workers work longer than the men so they can make the same money.”
Al Murray: The Pub Landlord’s Late Lock In
10. “Fun fact: did you know that HIV is actually Roman for “high five”? Pass it on – or, rather, don’t.”
Rhys James: Begins
For more jokes go to the Daily Telegraph, 31st August 2015 here
“A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.” – Proverbs 17:22
Stand-up for Jesus (excerpts from the Daily Telegraph : 1/5/15)
Why didn’t they play cards on the Ark ? Because Noah was standing on the deck.
Best of clerical corkers :
So what if I can’t spell Armageddon – it isn’t the end of the world.
What kind of man was Boaz before he got married ? Ruthless.
How do we know Moses wore a wig ? Sometimes he was seen with Aaron and sometimes he wasn’t.
(Source of clerical corkers : Christian Resources Exhibition, ExCel. Conference Centre,East London)
Hywel Davies, (May 2015)
Do you believe in Cymru?
Do you believe in love?
Ofcourse I believe in Love. Their album “Forever Changes” was brilliant. The band were pioneers.
Do you believe in the brotherhood of man?
The Brotherhood of Man? Know. Their music was pretty but it lacked soul.
Do you believe in Abba?
Yes,I believe in Abba. The beginning,the middle and the end.
Do you believe in Grapefruit ?
You’re pulling my leg.
No, I’m not. They were a UK band in the 1960’s.
Know. I don’t believe in Grapefruit.
Hywel Davies (April 2015)
30 of the best Christmas cracker jokes (Daily Telegraph : 20/12/14)
They’re corny and seldom improve with the telling,but Christmas wouldn’t be complete without a round of cracker jokes. Here are a dew classics,hand-selected by Jon Stock :
1. What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney?
2. What does the Queen call her Christmas Broadcast?
The One Show.
3. Why does Santa have three gardens?
So he can “ho ho ho”.
4. What does Miley Cyrus have at Christmas?
5. Knock,knock. Who’s there?
Arthur any mince pies left?
6. What do vampires sing on New Year’s Eve?
Auld Fang Syne.
7. Why did Santa’s helper see the doctor?
Because he had low “elf” esteem.
8. What happened to the man who stole an Advent Calendar?
He got 25 days.
9. What kind of motorbike does Santa ride?
A Holly Davidson.
10. What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?
A Christmas Quacker.
11. What is the best Christmas present in the world?
A broken drum. You just can’t beat it !
12. How did Scrooge win the football game?
The ghost of Christmas passed.
13. Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?
14. Who is Santa’s favourite singer?
15. What do Santa’s little helpers learn at school?
16. What did Santa say to the smoker?
Please don’t smoke. It’s bad for my elf.
17. What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees?
18. Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing?
They always drop their needles.
19. Did Rudolph go to school?
No. He was elf-taught.
20. Why did the turkey join the band?
Because it had the drumsticks.
21. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
22. What do snowmen wear on their heads?
23. How do snowmen get around?
They ride an icicle.
24. What song do you sing at a snowman’s birthday party?
Freeze a jolly good fellow.
25. How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizza?
One that’s deep pan,crisp and even.
26. Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
A mince spy.
27. What do you call a cat in the desert?
28. What does Santa do with fat elves?
He sends them to an Elf Farm.
29. How many letters are in the Christmas alphabet?
There’s “no EL” !
30. What did Adam say to his wife on the day before Christmas?
It’s Christmas, Eve.
The Edinburgh Fringe Festival’s Top Ten Jokes 2014
1. “I’ve decided to sell my Hoover …… well,it was just collecting dust.” – Tim Vine.
2. “I’ve written a joke about a fat badger,but I couldn’t fit it into my set.” – masai Graham.
3. “Always leave them wanting more,my uncle used to say to me. Which is why he lost his job in disaster relief.” – Mark Watson.
4. “I was given some Sudoku toilet paper. It didn’t work. You could only fill it in with number 1’s and number 2’s” – Bec Hill.
5. “I wanted to do a show about feminism. But my husband wouldn’t let me.” – Ria Lina.
6. “Money can’t buy you happiness ? Well..check this out. I bought myself a Happy Meal.” – Paul F. Taylor.
7. “Scotland had oil,but it’s running out thanks to all that deep frying.” – Scott Capurro.
=8. “I forgot my inflatable Michael Gove,which is a shame ’cause halfway through he disappears up his own b________”- Kevin Day.
=8. “I’ve been married for ten years, I haven’t made a decision for seven.” – Jason Cook.
10. “This show is about perception and perspective. But it depends how you look at it.” – Felicity Ward